LEFT BRAIN / RIGHT BRAIN

Oh, there is so much to be thankful for. I guess the fact that the prior year has seen not only prosperity for the entire country, the good ol' U. S. of fuckin' A., but a higher standard of living for yours truly, your 'umble narrator for this side of the brain. I've survived another year in my house, a perpetual work in progress. It may not be the prettiest hole-in-the-wall, but it is mine, and it's warm and dry, and for this, I am thankful.

I am thankul that I am still breathing, and living into the next millenium is a near certainty. In the past year, I've exercised and kept busy, something that is always good for a body. I've had no bouts of bad nastiness healthwise. I've not contracted a fatal disease or cultivated a cancerous tumor or had a disfiguring accident or lost my mind I am told. I've not been shot at, mugged, robbed or stabbed. I've not been sent off to war. I'll be around for a while, and for this, I am thankful.

My employment remains gainful. My earnings rise at better than inflation rates. My stock holdings are still in the black despite some short range losses. The possibility of beginning my own business has reached the front of my mind. My writing becomes a more important part of my life, and the possibility of selling a story or two is strong. I have my debts, but I fear not the spectre of bankruptcy or poverty. I'm better off than many people, and for this, I am thankful.

My circle of friends is growing. When I go out, I see people who greet me warmly, and smile at me before I smile at them. Few seem to wish me harm, and for this I am thankful.

My family remains intact. Mother seems well and happy in her third marriage. My brother and his wife remain close, and their kids, my niece and nephew are healthy and intelligent (they must get it somehow from me). My father remains a rock and knows where the best hunting spots are. We are all well, and for this, I am thankful.

I'm thankful for my readers, all two of you, for keeping this endeavor something less than a futile attempt at literal immortality. If this stuff gets in your brain, then it will be passed on, and a little bit of me will outlast my shell. Thanks people.

I'm sure that there are more things for me to be thankful for, yet these stand out in my mind (this side anyway). For now, and hopefully for a while, I'll remain happy, and for this, I am thankful.

Right, here we go...you drag me out of my well earned drunken stupor to say what I'm thankful for. Well, I'm thankful that I only have to do this puff piece once a year. And I'm thankful that when I'm done, I can go back to shotgunning brain cells with SoCo and gin and tonics.

I'm thankful that when civilization as we know it ends in the near future (Y2K or May 5, I don't know which), I have enough firearms and ammo to take out an entire neighborhood if necessary to protect my family, home and hearth. And I'm thankful that I know how to hunt and skin an animal so that when the food production and transportation infrastructure breaks down, I can go out and hunt stray dogs and cats for food and fur.

I'm thankful for Southern Comfort, Dr. McGillicudy, Kahlua, and all those other tasty and potent libations, for without them, I wouldn't be able to stand any of you, or get a little on the side. But actually, I haven't gotten any on the side for so long, I didn't even know they moved it. For this, I'm thankful in a roundabout way, for I haven't contracted any nasty, dick-burnin', ball-shrivelin' S.T.D.'s, nor have I had to deal with the care and maintenance of a grabby, possessive, moody female looking for a (shudder) relationship. And I'm thankful that since I have no steady significant other, I don't have to by a present for them for Yuletides.

I'm thankful that I haven't been arrested yet. 'Nuff said.

I'm thankful that although I'm a corporate whore, my paycheck allows me to afford those nice soothing ointments that feel so good after a day of bending over and spreading my buttcheeks for the bosses. I'm also thankful that I work nights and that I don't have to deal with those hideous people, my bosses, for more than a few minutes a day.

I'm thankful that the holidays only come once a year. That's just enough time to recover from having to deal with those crazy people I call my family. Hey, I love them, but I'm free of them and I'm thankful that I only have to see them occasionally now.

I'm thankful that I'm not still in High School...small pistols and grenades are getting expensive, even the crappy ones you can buy from certain places in my neighborhood.

And finally, I'm thankful that I'm writing the words, "And finally..."