LEFT BRAIN / RIGHT BRAIN

Tax time is here, and although nearly all of us don't like it, we understand that the taxes we pay are used to keep this great land of ours running. Taxes fund the country's infrastructure projects: the Interstate system, the railroads, buildings and dam projects. The military is funded by our taxes, keeping us safe from all who'd wish the U.S. harm. All those aircraft, vehicles, bombs, guns and bullets, not to mention the soldiers utilizing that equipment, are paid by us. Federal law enforcement that maintains internal security is financed by our taxes. And the list goes on and on. Thousands of federal, state and local programs are funded directly from tax revenue. Without taxes, government would no longer work, leaving chaos behind.

The current tax code, although decried as being impossibly complex, is geared toward being used by the majority of Americans with average intelligence and mathematical skills. And as it is a regressive tax code, those earning the least pay the least percentage of taxes, or if they qualify as earning too little according to federal guidelines, they pay no taxes at all. In the end, we are taxed fairly according to our ability to pay our fair share.

And in the collection of tax revenues, the Internal Revenue Service has become a less aggressive, and eminently more helpful entity with more human-staffed customer service phone lines to assist those still confused by the easier handled tax forms and an easy to use internet site: www.irs.gov. Total audits are expected to decrease as they have in the last two years. This year, 1 in 111, less than 1 percent of all taxpayers, can expect to be audited, with about forty percent of those audited having to pay additional fees or fines. Seizures are expected to decrease as well, allowing those with tax problems a chance to correct any mistakes without having to suffer the heavy handed tactics that the I.R.S. has utilized in the past.

It is time, all you sufferers under the yoke of oppresionism, for a TAX REVOLT! With the coffers of government bloated and a federal surplus growing larger minute by minute and the politicians' tight fists around the purse strings, it's time to make those corrupt, fat-fed, greedy bastids pay!

This year, Tax Freedom day is May 2nd. That means that if you're an average taxpayer and you wanted to get all of your taxes for the entire year taken care of before you took anything for yourself, all the income you made from January 1 to May 2 would be sucked away to pay it off. If you're in a higher tax bracket, oh well. Add all of May and June's income to pay off your taxes. And what are we paying for?

You read about it in the newspapers every day. Political corruption. Misappropriation of Funds. $900 toilet seats for the Air Force. B2 Bombers at two gig a pop. Zero interest loans or outright gifts of cash to foreign countries. Ordinance wasting wars against weak little puppet governments that can't fight back ever since the Soviets packed up their tents and skeedaddled(even though it's not really a bad thing). Undocumented cost overruns for bloated, money-pit (read Big Dig) public works projects. Programs that help whichever special interest weasels screech the loudest. Costly lawsuits against legitimate industries funded by a government that has no right to instigate lawsuits in the first place. Step up to the tax trough and gulp down some fedfunds you pigs!

The same goes for the State and local level taxes. We pay another chunk of money to our state legislatures and get substandard and underfunded education that can't even get little Johnny to read but will pay for his condoms and self-esteem classes, or we get streets with so many unaddressed potholes it looks like an Iraqi airfield the second day after the Gulf War started. And on top of it all, those fiscally irresponsible, intern groping, corpulent politicians legislate their own raises even though they are all in reality our employees. Don't you wish you could decide on how much you make, you wage slave you?

And if you decide not to pay, or can't afford to pay your taxes, then the gods help you, 'cause the Gummint won't. Why do you think the tax code is written in a trillion lines of spaghetti logic and unreadable legalese? If you think the I.R.S. has gotten all warm and fuzzy, miss a tax payment, Bubba. Before you know it, your paycheck'll be violated, your house will get seized and taken away on a truck, your wife'll be sold to the glue factory and your daughter will be farmed out to the local pimps for "work rehabilitation". Audited? Better bring a case of cool, soothing ointments for your anus after it gets reamed out by the feds (they'll look anywhere for loose change).

And now let me slap you upside the head. Nobody is taxed fairly. The poor pay a little, but everyone between just above the poverty line and the barely wealthy line pay the majority of taxes. Those considered wealthy can afford creative accountants to find loopholes and tax shelters or funnel money through offshore accounts in order to keep Unca Sam's grabby little paws off their money. I don't blame them, either. If I could afford it, I'd have all my money go through a corporation and have a yearly income of a buck to keep the I.R.S. out of my pockets. Think big business pays their fair share? Don't be an idiot. The little that corporations pay is given back in the form of lucrative government contracts and corporate welfare and tax breaks for hiring a minority.

Of course, now that I said all this, the I.R.S. is drawing down on me for an industrial grade audit.

Greedy bastids.