LEFT BRAIN / RIGHT BRAIN

Welcome to an election year. Today: Tuesday November 7, 2000, it is your Civic Duty to go out and vote (unless you're in prison or an illegal alien or an un-citizen) The big prize in today's election of course is who gets to run the most powerful country in the world. Will it be George "Dubya" Bush or Almost Ex V.P. Al Gore taking the big reins of the federal government? Will Green Party candidate Ralph Nader act as spoiler for Gore? Will Reform Party guy Pat Buchanan get soem Divine Intervention and sneak in while the flaming wreckage of Bush's and Gore's planes (involved in a midair collision) smash onto the top of Nader's bus? In any event, this time, it looks like the race is going down to the wire, with major candidates stumping hard for the 'swing' states, grasping desperately for the votes to push them over the top.

Along with the big, big race, ballot initiatives are being decided in most states. In Hasslechusetts, the big one is Question 4. Hotly contested by large PACs, Question 4 decides if a rollback of the State income tax from 5.85 to 5 percent over three years is in order. The Government groups and Teachers Unions are pushing for a No vote, saying the rollback would deplete the state budget, while the more populist and Equitable Taxation groups are pushing for a yes vote.

Other ballot questions, such as the anti-greyhound racing initiative, the road-toll tax rebate and HMO restruction initiatives will also be decided at the polls. All require an individual choice despite the copious amounts of advertising spent on opposing views.

Local and state legislative races are also being fought at nearly the ferocity of the Presidential races. In New York, the big races is between Rick Lazio(r) and Hillary Rodham Clinton for the U.S. Senate. All eyes will be turned to New York for this one, looking to see if the Resident Republican can beat the intruding President's wife.

But no matter who wins or loses, or what measures pass or fail, voting remains a cornerstone of our Democracy. It is a right exhalted to the level of a priveledge to be able to choose your lawmakers and laws, and it is not a task to be taken lightly or disregarded.

Only you can choose who will represent you, and what they represent. To not make the choice, is to have others choose for you.

What, another freakin' election? No wonder all these commercials are boring, bland and feature ugly people...I though Gold Bond(tm) had started airing their sick ad campaign again, but NO, it's Al Bore and Deathrow 'Dubya' annoying me, and you all know who dies when I get annoyed, right kiddies?

Ah, voting. Why can't we choose our leaders like the cavemen. The biggest, strongest and smartest got to lead the tribe and take the women. But then the politicians came in, got a big rock and stove in the big leader's head when he was sleeping. Damn beady-eyed, weasely politicians. I think election campaigns should be fought with both candidates locked in the same closet and the weapon of choice should be anti-personnel hand-grenades wrapped in nails and duct tape.

Thing is, we don't really elect the President. The Electoral College elects our tyrant. It's possible that a candidate could win the popular vote (the one your stinky finger decides) yet still lose the Electoral Vote (the one some representative in a plastic bubble decides). Kinda makes you wonder which candidate gave the most blow jobs to the most Electoral College delegates, doesn't it? "Vote for Dubya! (gulp!)" "Vote for Gore! (swallow!)"

At least in the local and state races you have a say as to who gets to screw ya. Still, I'd like to not have Ted Kennedy behind me with his right hand around a Guinness in a two liter bottle and his left hand stroking my butt trying to find my wallet. Bad visual I know...sorry.

The ballot initiatives are safe at least. Still, if a well organized Political Action Committee has their members vote on a statewide referendum to have me tarred, feathered and castrated on Pay-per-View, I'm screwed. They'd only need a carload of votes against my one to make it a landslide, then I'm a feathery soprano, man. On the ballot initiatives, majority, or as I see it, mob rules apply. And as we all know, groups of people are stupid, illogical and overly emotional. If they see a picture of a child or puppy with a particular viewpoint, they'll vote thay way, whether it's idiotic or not. Stupid people...so easily manipulated, like this:

"Vote YES on Question Four...taxes must be brought down...do it for your CHILDREN...and big eyed PUPPIES too! If you vote NO on Question Four, the puppies and children die!

See?

So remember people. You are a tiny little speck of dust in a sea of dust specks. Unless you live in a town with a population of three, you vote means little more than a fly turd. But it's your turd, man. Use it wisely. Just remember to wash your hands afterwards.