LEFT BRAIN / RIGHT BRAIN

There's so much that I already have, there is very little I want, or deserve really, for Yuletides this year. In this land of plenty, I have a good job, a decent house, a nice car, and want for neither food nor clothing nor shelter. Therefor, my first wish is for all to be at least as prosperous as me, free from the fear and degredation of homelessness, hunger and misery.

My second wish is for people to get along. Worldwide peace, thought to have been won with the end of the cold war, has been subverted by violence in every corner of the globe. In the Mideast and Northern Ireland and other less newsworthy places, viable peace has been difficult, if not impossible to achieve. People of different creeds and ideologies, assured by politics or science or pride or religion that they are right, have refused to find common ground. Therefor, I wish them to find the time to come together and deal. And maybe we'll finally have peace on Earth.

My third wish is for the economics of medicine to catch up with the dream of affordable health care and cures for the diseases ravaging all of the world. Cancer, tuberculosis, and the specter of AIDS are sweeping whole populations into its all consuming maw. Therefore, I wish for our great, collective intelligence to find a way to reduce the total sum of pain and hurt and the rusted blade of disease in our burgeoning populatuions.

My final wish is that those that are lonely and alone this holiday season find a special someone to spend at least one happy hour with. So many of us are away from home on the holidays, keeping the machine running that we've forgotten that the holiday is for family and friends, not Visa and Mastercard. Therefore, I wish that people find each other this holiday season and share a smile or two.

Bah, fuckin' humbug. Wake me when the whole damn thing is over, when all those freakin' stupid, slow people are out of the stores and all the drunks are off the road and nobody wants me to do something for them. Therefore, my first wish is to be left alone, but if I don't get it, I wish for all people to have decent health coverage for when I aluminum-bat their genitalia up into their chest cavities.

My second wish is for everyone that went out shopping and bought every little "hot" item for their kids - the P2's, the robot dogs with real robot pee, Pok'e'shit - that they all win the lottery so that they can pay their freakin' credit card bills so that my rates don't go up when they ultimately default on their credit and pass all the debt onto you and me. A tertiary wish is for them to get so far into debt that these idiot people have to sell their kids for medical experiments to pay the bills.

My third wish is for that steaming mass of humanity on the roads to get the hell outta my way. Don't you all have homes? It's not the apelike human behind the wheel of the swerving, mauve minivan taking his ughulee, behemoth wife and unruly ankle-biters to gramma's cat-stinking unheated home for a forced day of family fun that annoy me (well actually, they do), it's that there's hundreds of thousands of the same fuckin' family! And they're all in front of me doin' 45 in the fast lane on the highway, creeping like a condemned prisoner on his way to the gallows. I wish I had a spring-mounted bumper on my car...by the time that little creep in the backseat can say, "Daddy, daddy! The car...", I'm already sending them skidding into the oncoming lane.

And finally, my last wish....I want a pony...

...and a Little Vlad Abattoir and Butcherblock kit!