LEFT BRAIN / RIGHT BRAIN

What can I say to the great mass of Eurpoeans pulling for their team to win, and watching them go down in bitter defeat except: Hey, I'm sorry. I wasn't even there to taunt the Euros or cheer for the Americans...tickets were going for upwards of a thousand dollars a pop. So stop calling me an Ugly American, alright?

Yes, the American team - Leonard Justin, Tiger Woods, Ben Crenshaw and those other guys wearing matching, ugly clothes - have won the vaunted Ryder Cup in a stunning upset at The Country Club in Brookline. The shining victory did not come without a few tarnished spots. A tiny minority of fans heckled the Euros on critical putts, and Justin Leonard's putt on the 17th stirred the crowd into a frenzied mob that swarmed over the green before Jose-Maria Olazabal had putted out. But can they be blamed? The press had literally shoveled the last pile of dirt onto the grave of the American team's chances for a win after the second day when the Euros had a commanding lead. A comeback of Hollywood proportions was in order, and when the Americans did pull out a win from a team of players more suited to individual play, manner flew out the window. And the Euros had to get on the plane for the long ride home.

Even before the tournament had completed, however, the Europeans began their complaints about the distractions caused by the American fans and the lack of manners on the part of both the fans and the American team. And there was no Grey Poupon at the sandwich tent and the Porta-Johns had no bidets. Michael Jordan kept putting long shadows on the course making ranging difficult and President Clinton kept chasing interns into the rough near the 14th green.

Still, some of their complaints do have merit. Yelling, "MISS! MMMMISS! MISSIT!" does tend to throw off your game, especially on those long putts where your concentration has to be perfect from wind-up through to follow-through...I know. And the fans did get a bit unruly after Justin's putt on 17 and stomped Olazabal's ball deep into the green until he needed a shovel to get a decent lie. But hey, didn't the same thing happen, oh, two years ago when the Ryder Cup was played on the other side of the Big Pond, hmmmm?

But ugly or not, it was a win on American soil. Hopefully, we'll all be better behaved, more genteel and reserved, wherever and whenever the next Ryder Cup tournament is played. Until then, happy clubbing!

We'll never apologize! Apology is a sign of weakness, and weakness is not part of the victor. All I can say to the Euro-peons is, "Nyah nyah nyah! We won the cup, you didn't. Now quit your bellyaching and get the hell outta my country!" You wanna see an Ugly American? Play a round of gorilla golf with me, and I'll show you ugly. Remember, it was us Ugly Americans that kicked your asses in 1776 and 1812. And it was us Ugly Americans that saved those same sorry asses in WWI and WWII. And now you have the temerity to bitch and moan that you lost a frigging silver-plated cup?

The British Press, a fine example of tabloids trying to be journalism, have swiped their broad brush of anti-Americanism and European elitism over the entire U.S. of A, blaming us all for the loss of the Ryder Cup. Well tough crumpets, Britty Boys! If your tight-assed, overly sensitive, golf pros can't take a little heckling now and then, then they shouldn't even be involved in anything remotely competitive. I've seen kids playing minature golf at some tacky, fiberglass-rich putt-putt while drive-by shootings are going on down the street and these kids can still make par.

"But, oh, you Americans; (said in a Thurson Howell the 3rd type voice) you're so rude! Clapping loudly and breathing all at once when we're trying to putt. Wearing such loud shirts I cannot hear the elitist thoughts in my own cranium. And have you no Evian? Barbarians all!"

Forsooth! The tournament hadn't even ended before the Euros started to whine. "The American fans were making noises while we were trying to putt; there was a mugging on the 15th fairway. The Porta-loos had no bidet!" Deal with it. Life is unfair. Competition is a strain, even with home-field advantage. European fans aren't the pinnacle of genteel behaviour either - (when was the last time a European soccer match didn't end with a soccer-riot?). Unsportsmanlike conduct is a part of every sport, including the gentlemanly pursuit of golf. Just be glad you didn't have to go against a team full of John McEnroes.

Ugly Americans...HA! As if the beauts of humanity live in Europe. Like a majority of European women are supermodels (heavy sarcasm)...give me a freakin' break. If most European men didn't have a Playboy and Penthouse shipped to them once a month, they'd never have sex with their infrequently bathed, behemoth, hairy wives. Hell, most Brits have teeth that look like Stonehenge after a quake. You want ugly? Go look in the Big Book of British Smiles (thank you Matt Groening). And don't get me started on the inbred royals!

So go home, losers! Take your bitter whining and poor-loser attitudes and pack then onto that obsolete, ozone-wrecking Concorde and get the hell outta here. Just remember three dates as you go, 1776, 1812, 1999.