LEFT BRAIN / RIGHT BRAIN

Drugs have been around even before man got onto the planet. From the days when man roamed the grasslands of Africa and used herbal remedies made up by the local shaman, to the Native American tribes of the desert southwest that used peyote as a way to speak to the spirit world, man has used drugs wisely to cure his ills, both real and imagined. For the vast majority of humanity, drugs have been a proven, frequently used method of treating infections, alleviating pain, and controlling mental illness.

Today, drugs are a multibillion dollar industry. Antibiotics come in a myriad of potencies, delivery systems, and specific uses. Palliatives, from the Percocets and morphine derivitives down to the aspirin tablets in your medicine cabinet, have made pain and discomfort for many of us, if not disappear completely, lessen to tolerable levels. And in the fight against once terminal diseases, such as inoperative cancers, tuberculosis, diabetes, and virulent influenza, drugs have saved thousands upon thousands of lives that would've otherwise been cut short far too quickly. Even HIV/AIDS, when treated by a cocktail of drugs, AZT, protease inhibitors and the like, victims of this disease, which once had a terminal rate of 100% within a few years of infection, are now living for many more years, sometimes over a decade, with little effect from the disease showing. And when the disease is terminal, drugs can be used to ease, and sometimes end, the suffering of the stricken.

Still, there are abuses. Illegal drugs, the heroin and crack and cocaine and marijuana and meth-amphetemines, remain the scourge of the American judicial system, addicting hundreds of thousands of people a year, many of them children. The medical costs for saving an addict from an accidental or intentional O.D. of his or her drug-du-jour is staggering, and we all feel it in increased H.M.O. and insurance premiums, higher crime rates, and the general decline of drug-ridden neighborhoods. Interdiction of drug routes, both nationally and internationally have cost billions of dollars and thousands of lives on either side of the law, and a rising prison population. On top of that, prescription drug abuses are climbing, as more people are finding their escape in over-the-counter and physician prescribed drugs such as Valium/diazepam and Percodan, or getting them through the internet from online phamicological stores.

But that is not to say that drugs are evil, or a crutch, or something to be feared. Drugs were put on this Earth by whatever deity or force of nature you believe in so that man would not have to suffer without relief. And it is by man and his chemical and agricultural prowess that has made those drugs a useful tool in the fight against disease and pain. And when used correctly, legislated to safety, and tested thoroughly, then drugs become the miracle that they always have been.

Give me a break! That sounded like one of those old, jittery, warped films you were forced to sit through in school. Well, let me tell ya, drugs are suckin' this planet down into the sewer, and I don't just mean the illicit, fun varieties that the preschooler next door is selling to your sister. I'm talkin' all drugs.

Lets start with the little ones you get off the dusty shelf of your local drugstore. Most are marginally effective at best. The cool ones are the caffeine pills like No-Doz and Vivarin. take a few of these and wash it down with a half-liter of Jolt, and you're in for a couple of jittery weeks. Aspirin? Won't work for that migrane. I once had a headache so bad, I was popping those little white pills until my ears started ringing. and those eight hour cough medicines work only the first fifteen minutes, if that long. Nyquil was good, until some consumer watchdog group with a messiah complex decided there was too much alcohol in the stuff, and now it won't knock me out anymore and just makes me irritable and jittery. Percodans are good, but you need a prescription, and they ain't cheap. In fact, if most prescriptions weren't partially paid for by Medicaid or insurance co-payments, no one would be able to pay the exhorbitant prices the drug companies charge to relieve your suffering and misery.

Then theres the overuse of antibiotics. Kid got a sniffle - penicillin! Got a slight fever? Take some moxi-roxi-toxicillin. Pretty soon, you got antibiotic-resistant strains of pink-eye decimatin' your populace. It's rough when a slight case of rhinovirus can wipe out a city full of people in twenty-six minutes. It hasn't happened yet, but it's gonna.

Then you got the illegal drugs. Anybody hear of prohibition in the twenties, and the crime-wave that came in right along with it? Interdiction doesn't work. Taking out the pushers - from the big ones to the little street-corner toughs - aren't going to make the drugs go away. Drugs will always be there, and those who want them will find a way to get them, even in prison. Just say no? Give me a freakin' break! You think a junkie who has been shooting up since he was thirteen can just stop and say, "Gee, drugs are bad. I'm going to say 'no' and break the cycle, then I'll have a glass of milk and a cookie!" Yeah, right. In five minutes he's tied off and looking for a vein. And the illegal drugs are not the same, although the government would like you to believe that pot is just as dangerous as crack. To tell you the truth, I've never heard of someone smoking a joint and then going to rob a bank. A guy who's just done a doobie would be lucky if he could make a successful raid of the fridge. Legalize it, you say? Cigarettes are already four-bucks a pack, most of it tax...I can buy 7.62 mm ammunition for less than a carton of Kools. How much 'sin tax' do you think the feds'll put on a pack of Panama Red's or New NEW Coke with the original formula (back when it had a REAL kick!).

We've got too many drugs. Bad marriage? Lousy job? Depressed? Pills!...problem solved! Maybe we don't need 'em. Got a migrane - suffer a few minutes...it'll go away on its own (eventually). Flu? Take it like a man! A real disease? Do the natural thing! Die! Like illegal drugs? They grow naturally, so do the natural thing! Die!

Now leave me alone...you're giving me a headache and I gotta go get me some Bufferin. I mean, why should I suffer?